Iris
by Mage of Dragons
Summary: You can only endure so much. When Yuki finally leaves Neal, where will that leave him? NEW CHAPTER
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Okay, I'll admit it. I have no clue what I'm doing with this one. I tried to write another drabble for "everything," but got this instead. I have really no idea where I'm going with it, but it should be interesting if I decide to take it somewhere.**_

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_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight_

_And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything seems like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive_

_And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am  
_

_I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

**_Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls_**

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She snapped her _shusken _open with more force than necessary, whipping her back towards him to try and hide the tears she couldn't seem to quell. She could try to be like a frozen lake, her ice smooth and perfect, but right now, her ice was shattering. Everything had just escalated; it had been one mistake too many, one fight too many. She was tired; tired of waiting, tired of fighting, tired of trying to fix things. She wanted something that, just a few weeks ago, she could have never imagined. She just wanted it to be over.

"Yuki, wait!" his shout was too-loud in the empty hall. "Yuki, please!"

Finally she turned back around, not caring that he saw the very un-Yamani-like tears that flowed down her cheeks, tracing translucent grey tracks in her face paint. "No, Neal. I'm not going to wait. Not anymore," she whispered, knowing he could hear every word in the silence. She barely stifled a sob.

His green eyes widened in shock for a moment, before his face crumpled. He trembled where he stood, before he whispered, "No, Yuki. Please, no. Oh, Gods, please, no."

"I'm _tired, _Neal," she breathed, tears running unrestrained down her face. Her voice was stronger now, fueled by too many days spent alone and wondering. "I'm so tired of waiting. I'm tired of being put second. I know that she's your best friend, and that she needs you, but what about me? Every time you go off to help her, every time you go charging off out the gates, you leave me here alone. I'm tired of waiting for you to come home, tired of waiting for you to apologize, tired of you making excuses of why we can't get married. And maybe this isn't about her; it's not Kel's fault. But I can't wait any longer. This is never what I wanted. I'm sorry."

She fled now, tripping over her kimono, looking more like a a butterfly caught up in a hurricane than a delicate flower floating on the breeze as she flew down the hall and away.

His hands shaking, unable to utter another sound, Nealan of Queenscove sank to his knees and cried without abandon.

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**_A/N: Soooo, what do you think? Should I continue? Leave me a review and let me know!_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: I'm back! Haha, I apologise (mostly in advance) because I know myself, and so I know there there will only be short chapters ahead. I'm sorry, but I tend to want to end the chapter when I switch POV, to avoid confusion, so you'll have to live. Anyway, I have the next chapter already written/typed, I just need lyrics for it... and I already wrote some of the middle chapters, they're my favorites. So I just need to connect them. Anyway, look for another update soon, and enjoy! **_

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_I open my eyes  
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light  
I can't remember how  
I can't remember why  
I'm lying here tonight_

_And I can't stand the pain  
And I can't make it go away  
No I can't stand the pain_

_How could this happen to me  
I made my mistakes  
I've got no where to run  
The night goes on  
As I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me_

_Everybody's screaming  
I try to make a sound but no one hears me  
I'm slipping off the edge  
I'm hanging by a thread  
I wanna start this over again_

_So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered  
And I can't explain what happened  
And I can't erase the things that I've done  
No I can't_

_**Untitled, Simple Plan**_

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He didn't know how long he sat there, unmoving, as his knees pressed into the rough wood of the floor. After a while, the tears ceased to flow and he found himself suspended in time as he stared at the floor, unseeing, unfeeling, eyes unfocused. He saw nothing, felt nothing. For those long moments, he did not even know who he _was. _

Neal was numb; paralyzed by his complete lack of emotion. He was stuck in a vicious cycle of memories and emotions, one that had no direction besides the utter destruction of his reality… Yuki, his Yuki…. How? Why? And what had even happened? It had all been so fast, so unpredictable.

For once, with her, he has been so sure of himself, of this. He loved Yuki, and Yuki loved him, he had been so sure of that fact. It had been untouchable. Nothing else mattered. That one thought had been his rock, through all of the fighting, through the long months of war. He had clung to their love, their engagement, using it to stave off all other worries. He had Yuki and that was all that mattered. Come what may, he could survive as long as he had her. It was what kept him going. Knowing she loved him too made the long months on duty bearable, and even though all he wanted was to rush back to her, he took comfort in the thought that she would alway be there for him when he finally did come home. But now all of that was gone, and he had no idea how it had happened.

What could he do now? He was trapped, frozen on that wooden floor, unmoving. She had been his gravity, his sun, his universe. For the last year, he had plotted himself by her, oriented his thoughts and his actions around her, even when they were apart. But now, that love had somehow winked out of existence, and he was alone, with no direction. He was _alone, _stranded on the night-darkened sea with no stars to guide him and no hope of sunrise.

He didn't hear the soft footsteps as they approached, or the soft, "Oh, Neal…!" He was so lost in his memories, so trapped in a whirling storm of hurt that he did not feel the sure fingers that pried him from the ground and led him to his room, depositing him on his bed. He still did not move as Kel sat beside him. He ignored her pleas to tell her what was wrong. And he didn't notice as she slipped away hours later, back into the corridor.

He was completely, and utterly, lost.

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**_A/N: Me + Lotsa Reviews equals Faster updates. Just letting you know :P_**


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Again, I apologise for the short, chapters. Really I do. But it gets bettter, I promise :)**_

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_Tonight is a story of love  
And two broken hearts set by one  
All he wants is a sign  
Of how she's making her mind  
All we ever wanted was_

_Love and love and happy afternoons_

_Tonight I will sit next to you  
To see if you act like we're through  
To make you laugh is all I want  
I'll hold you while tears fill our eyes_

**_All We Ever Needed, The Early November_**

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Kel covered the distance from Neal's room in the Healer's building to Yuki's guest quarters in a number of long, quick strides. She didn't know what had happened to make Neal like this. She only knew that it was terribly wrong.

Not bothering with courtesy, or the fact that most people would be readying themselves for bed at this hour, she rapped briskly on her friend's door. There was muffled noise from inside, but no one answered.

She rapped again, hard this time. When still no one answered, she pounded the door with her fist, shaking it on its hinges. "Yuki. Yuki, open the door." She shouted it first in Common, then Yamani.

Finally the door opened a crack. 'Yukimi noh Dia-"Kel stopped. It was not Yuki who stood in the doorway, but her close Yamani friend, Lady Haname.

"Lady Yukimi does not desire to speak with you-" she said flatly, her face expressionless save for her eyes, which were narrowed almost to slits. She tried to shut the door, but Kel stuck her foot in the frame, then pressed her whole shoulder into the crack to shove the door open.

With her shoulder still in the doorway, she gave a half-bow in Yamani fashion, Lady Haname's body still preventing her from seeing-or entering- into Yuki's rooms. "Forgive me, Lady," Kel begged in Yamani, with a politeness she did not know she possessed, "but this does not concern you."

Haname's voice was strained, especially so for a Yamani, as she spoke through gritted teeth, trying to force Kel back through the door. Her light frame could not budge Kel's much larger one. "Yukimi does not want-"

"Let her in, Haname," Yuki called tiredly from somewhere inside the room. "I may as well explain things. Alone," she added softly, her voice hoarse. The other Yamani cast her friend an exasperated look and retreated.

Kel stepped further into the room as Haname left, only to see that Yuki's eyes were red-rimmed and swollen. Her clothes were mussed, and her small hands were clenched into fists.

"Yuki, what's going on? I found Neal-"

"Kel, I'm ending it. I'm ending everything. I can't do this, and I can't stay here. I'm going back to Yaman. I'm leaving tomorrow."

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**_A/N: Okay, there you go. I hope you like it, for all these past chapters have been pretty uneventful. Review, please?_**


	4. Chapter 4

**_A/N: Hi everyone... if anyone who actually reads my stuff is still around, haha. It's been forever since I've been back on the site, but I wasn't tired, and I was waiting for my other computer to boot up, so I decided to look at some of the stuff I've posted on here, and, an hour and a half or so later, at 2 in the morning, you get three edited chapters of Iris and one brand new one. It's even kind of long, too! (at least its got a bigger wordcount than all the others, but it may have longer lyrics, so who knows...) but I hope someone reads this :)_**

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_I'm out of love_  
_I'm feelin' stressed_  
_Seems I'm at my worst_  
_When you're at your best_  
_I'm on this roller coaster_  
_Stuck inside the tangles of my mind_

_So baby could you show me what it's like?_  
_If only you could take me home tonight_  
_And baby could you show me it's easy to breathe_  
_You made a mess of me_

_You always play_  
_The starring role_  
_You could fill a room_  
_With all the hearts you stole_  
_I'm on this roller coaster_  
_Stuck inside the tangles of my mind_  
_Remember what you left behind_

_So baby could you show me what it's like?_  
_If only you could take me home tonight_  
_And baby could you show me it's easy to breathe_  
_Baby could you show me how it tastes?_  
_When every piece of you and me erase_  
_And baby could you show me it's easy to breathe_  
_You made a mess of me_

**Take Me Home, The Downtown Fiction**

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Yuki watched Kel's face carefully. Even though her own eyes were heavy and blurred from the weight of her tears, she saw as each thought coursed through Kel's mind, etched in tiny, fine lines across the other girl's face. Entwined comprehension and confusion spread across her face in a chain reaction, ripples breeding ripples as first her eyes widened and her lips half-parted in shock. Then her face collapsed in on itself as Kel's eyebrows contracted and she bit down on her lower lip. It seemed an hour before Kel's voice cracked through the brittle silence.

"Yuki, why? You _love _him!"

"Not… anymore."

The words hung in the air between them like so many lead weights, and Yuki watched as Kel instantly snapped from dumbstruck to defiant, and her words came out in a breathy hiss.

"So it all means nothing to you, then? More than two years with him? Your _engagement? _How can you throw that all away? He loves you, Yuki. There has never been a time when he's cared about anyone one-tenth of the amount that he cares for you. You are the world to him. You can just give that up?"

Yuki had expected this, Kel's anger and lack of understanding. Neal _was_ her best friend, after all. And even if Kel had driven them apart intentionally, Kel was still her friend also, and Yuki couldn't just accuse her blindly; she hadn't wanted to mention it all, but right now her Yamani training was holding back those words with a single silk thread. And Kel's reminder of everything she and Neal had had together only made Yuki angrier as she thought about the life she was giving up. The thread was fraying. She had never wanted to stop loving Neal.

"Kel, what we had between us, it's not enough."

"You're honestly telling me that love is not enough to keep you here? Why don't I believe you?"

"Kel, things aren't the same. Maybe some part of me still loves him… but everything is different now. You just don't understand."

"Of course I don't understand! You had everything. A great man who loves you, who was committed to you, who gave you everything you could ever need, and you didn't have to do a thing. You didn't have to change anything. You had a whole life with him, a future, all planned out."

"It seemed like that in the beginning, like everything was perfect. No bossy mother-in-law, a man who respected and provided for me. A home here in Tortall. A place where I belonged, where I felt wanted. But once we got engaged… things changed. Suddenly a lifetime with him seemed longer than forever. There were too many things I couldn't deal with for the rest of my life; the same routine, him always being away, me always being alone… Everything was different. It wasn't like when we first met, with all the flirting and excitement, all the hope. All I could look forward to was more of the same, waiting for him to return, praying to the gods that he wouldn't be hurt or killed, rarely seeing him, and fighting with him when I did because I couldn't stand to see him leave one more time. I cannot spend a lifetime this way. Not even love can hold me here."

Kel's allegiance to both Neal and Yuki wrenched at her heart. They were the two people in the world she was closest to, and she wanted for both of them to be happy. Of course that had been easy when the two had been giddily in love. She wanted Yuki to be happy, wanted what was best for her, and yet…

"You're making a mistake, Yuki. Neal is my best friend, and he's the best man I know, and you will never find another more devoted to you, even if you search until the ends of the earth. But if you cannot even see that, if it means that little to you that you can simply walk away from everything you two have been through, then I will not stop you. But do everyone a favor, and don't you ever come near Neal ever again. You are-and always will be- my friend. But I will not let you hurt him anymore." The lady knight turned her back and reached for the doorknob.

"Kel! I didn't mean to hurt him! I still care about him, and if I could do this without any pain to either of us, I would! I just… can't keep going any longer, and…"

Kel was already through the doorway when she thought she heard the conclusion of Yuki's thoughts, but she couldn't be certain.

"… and I couldn't stand always having to share him with you."

Kel's eyes sought Yuki through the narrowing gap of the doorway as the door swung shut, Kel's hand still on the knob, but unable to cease its momentum. The other girl had already turned away, and Kel didn't even know whether she had truly spoken or not. Nevertheless, the words rang in her ears.

"I couldn't stand always having to share him with you…"

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**_A/N: Reviews are always greatly appreciated!_**


	5. Chapter 5

_The drops of rain they fall all over_  
_This awkward silence makes me crazy_  
_The glow inside burns light upon her_  
_I'll try to kiss you if you let me_  
_(this can't be the end)_

_Tidal waves they rip right through me_  
_Tears from eyes worn cold and sad_  
_Pick me up now, I need you so bad_

_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_It gets me so_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_It gets me so_

_Your vows of silence fall all over_  
_The look in your eyes makes me crazy_  
_I feel the darkness break upon her_  
_I'll take you over if you let me_  
_(You did this)_

_Tidal waves they rip right through me_  
_Tears from eyes worn cold and sad_  
_Pick me up now, I need you so bad._

_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_It gets me so_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_Down down down down_  
_It gets me so_

**Down, Blink 182**

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What happens when your entire world shatters from underneath you?

The answer is: Nothing.

You hover at first, unaware that the crystal beneath your feet has shattered. Then, with a sickening lurch of your stomach, you are falling, waving your arms wildly, trying to scream, trying to see through the blackness, to reach for the one person who has always supported you, who has held your hand and cushioned you when you fell… but she isn't there. She's become a puff of smoke. No, not even, because even the illusion of her that you once held is now gone. And you're falling. You can't see and you can't hear, you can't even tell that everything is spinning around you, you just know that your world has been blown into pieces and there is nothing else for you to do but fall.

Part of you cannot even summon the mental will to wish that it will end; the other part prays for it, prays for the sudden smash into concrete at the end, so you can savor the pain, and lie there, broken. A mangled body would be no object- you never want to move again, anyway. You cannot be without her, but she is gone and you are alone and bleeding and unable to cry or scream or even breathe.

Time has stopped, your heart has stopped, the earth has stopped on its axis and everyone everywhere is falling through the blackness the same as you because no one could possibly still live in a world where Yuki would leave you, nothing could exist when the only true love you've ever felt has stabbed you in the back.

There was no one, nothing, no reason. The only thing there was to do was fall.

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_**A/N: This part of the story has suddenly become super personal to me. Possibly expect a new chapter soon. I may even skip work to write it.**_


	6. Chapter 6

_I admit, I miss seeing your face babe,_  
_And being alone is starting to take its toll,_  
_I'm cold and it's getting old,_  
_I admit, I should have made some changes._  
_We were so smothered in love,_  
_We didn't have a chance to come up for air_

_What a waste, where did the time go?_  
_Where did our minds go? I don't know._  
_What's this place? Where did our home go?_  
_We won't know, I don't know._

_Too much of anything is too much,_  
_Too much love can be too much,_  
_We had too much time, too much us,_  
_So we fought like tomorrow was promised_  
_Too much, too much, too much, too much_  
_Too much, too much, too much, too much_  
_Much, much too much_

_I admit, I'm still watching the days go by,_  
_And sleeping alone is starting to break me down._  
_It's cold, but I should have known._  
_I admit, I made a few mistakes, babe,_  
_We were so caught up in love,_  
_We didn't have a chance to come up for air..._

_What a waste, where did the time go?_  
_Where did our minds go? I don't know._  
_What's this place? Where did my heart go?_  
_We'll never know, I'll never know..._

_Too much of anything is too much,_  
_Too much love can be too much,_  
_We had too much time, too much us,_  
_So we fought like tomorrow was promised_  
_Too much, too much, too much, too much_

_I need to find a reason to feel,_  
_Like everything was meant to be let go,_  
_Take it slow, 'cause I can't be on my own._

_Too much of anything is too much,_  
_Too much love can be too much,_  
_We had too much time, too much us,_  
_So we fought like tomorrow was promised_  
_Too much, too much, too much, too much_

_**Too Much, All Time Low**_

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What do you do when your entire life has ended?

She was still alive, she knew. But for the past two years, Neal had been her everything. Her every thought, every moment she spent had been permeated by his presence. Every decision she made, every breath had revolved around him. In the time that they had been together, it seemed that she had not existed except in relation to him. Her existence was split into definitive parts: time spent with him, and time spent without him. When they were apart, even for hours or days, she felt defined by missing him. Whenever he went into battle, every thought was filled with worry for him. Even while distracting herself with other tasks, people, and places, she could not clear him from her mind.

They had loved each other; no one could doubt that fact. Every moment they spent together, they were in constant contact, fingers entwined, arms wrapped around each others' waists, leaning on each other for comfort and support and strength. But their love was obsessive; it grew like some pernicious plant, feeding on their strengths until its roots were bound too deeply in everything they did.

That was why she was leaving, why she was standing on the cold and misty and silent deck of a boat headed back to Yaman. It was why, despite the fact that she had loved Neal with every fiber of her being, she had ended things with him. Where she had once been an independent woman, now she could not be without him, even for the smallest moments. Nothing and no one forced her to be with him always, it had always been her choice- but now it burned her soul to know absolutely that she would always desire to choose him above everything else.

The fact that he spent more time with Kel was only part of the issue. The greater whole, the one she could not explain but somehow felt, was that she still loved him, but she suddenly could not reconcile herself with what she had become. She hated how she paced alone at home, or lay in anguish in her bed every time she and Neal were apart. Even though she had always been free to choose differently, she knew that she would always choose him over everything and everyone else in her life. And she could not allow herself to do that any longer- allow herself to fade into him any longer-this was the only solution. She had to get away.

It was her decision, and, she thought, the right one. But that didn't mean that leaving wasn't still the hardest thing she had ever done in her life, and it certainly didn't mean that the tears now streaming down her face and mixing with the fog weren't real and painfully felt.

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**_A/N: This is probably the most personal chapter or story I have ever uploaded on ff. Review please?_**


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